My daily mental marathons

How Covid has destroyed my mental stamina

Photo by David Matos on Unsplash

I used to be able to think and focus for hours. Unbothered. Not fatigued. With a clear mind.

Fast forward to my third year of Long Covid, and it feels like I have the early stages of dementia which include:

• Memory loss

• Confusion

• Language problems

• Planning and organization problems

• Problem solving problems

• Visual and spatial analyzing problems

• Coordination problems

I’m in my 30s, so this is wildly concerning to me. I’ve written before about what it feels like to no longer recognize your own brain. But I can tell that with Long Covid, my mental faculties are slowly declining.

For someone whose entire job it is to analyze and synthesize data and produce insights, for someone who adores reading, for someone who loves creating - this is like a death sentence, made worse because you know it’s not fully gone yet but it’s inevitable - you just don’t know when you’ll lose it all.

I try to do everything I can to keep sharp. I try to walk a little every day to keep myself as physically active as possible (within the limits of my ME/CFS). I try to eat as few ultra-processed foods as I can. I try to keep my brain active (through Duolingo, crosswords, and sudoku). I try to keep a sleep schedule (since sleeping removes toxins associated with Alzheimer’s - though this is hard because Long Covid also has ruined my sleep). I try to maintain social connections (which are also important for brain health).

While a lot of us with Long Covid talk about how the virus has damaged our brains when it comes to function, today I want to talk about how it’s damaged my brain in terms of endurance, which is related but slightly different, yet no less of a troubling experience.

With Long Covid, I can see how my mental stamina has been steadily depleting itself not only more quickly but more easily as well. If my brain is a car that uses gas to get from point A to point B, not only is the gas tank is smaller, but my car uses more gas than it did before, and it drains that gas so much more quickly. I now am exhausted when I get to point B, even though the “only” effort I’ve made is mental.

Though people with ME/CFS are very familiar with the fact that both physical and mental exertion exist and can be equally as depleting (leading to crashes), it’s something I’m still trying to wrap my head around and fully understand even three years later. It’s 0% intuitive to me whatsoever - probably because I’ve never been fully cognizant or aware of this limitation before (though I’m sure it existed).

I think it’s pretty straightforward for most of us to internalize the fact that if you (over)exert yourself physically, you may risk exhausting yourself. For people with Long Covid and ME/CFS, the threshold for exertion is far lower because of the way our bodies have changed. Sometimes seemingly minimal effort activities (e.g., getting dressed or taking a shower or making the bed or even brushing one’s teeth) can lead to post-exertional malaise and a subsequent crash. We can end up in bed for hours or days.

The physical crashes make sense to my brain and I’ve tried to be more mindful of what triggers PEM for me and avoid those activities, though I’m still learning what causes crashes for me. Just to give you an example, a few months ago I thought it would be a good idea to put together an IKEA bed all by myself because I had done it before and I like to be independent and I hate asking for help. I told myself I would take tons of breaks and take things super slowly. I finished 8 hours later, but then had a crash and was in bed for literally four days afterwards.

When it comes to mental exertion, however, it’s much harder for me to see and understand. Of course, I know our brains use glucose as their primary energy source and that the brain expends calories (about 20% of the body's total energy consumption), but since there’s no “physical” exertion involved that I’m consciously aware of and leading, it’s so much harder for me to realize I need breaks or need to simply stop.

Part of the issue is that we live in a society in which productivity is glamorized and glorified. If you’re not working, you’re useless because your value and inherent self-worth is tied up in productivity due to the deeply entrenched capitalistic ideals that form the cornerstone of our society. The other part of the issue is specific to me. I have been freelance since before I had Long Covid, meaning if I don’t work, I don’t get paid. While I have the great fortune to have been able to move home (unwillingly, but nonetheless still a huge cost burden off my shoulders when it comes to rent), being sick is still wildly expensive. Between my insurance premiums (self-paid because I’m self-employed), endless co-pays (I have to see multiple doctors a week and it ADDS UP), supplements, medical supplies, PPE (respirators, NAATs, etc.), and more, life as a chronically ill person is not cheap.

I often feel a pressure to work beyond my limits - and very much despite my Long Covid - because I need to pay for all these things to survive. And because I’ve already lost so much income since first developing Long Covid (I’ve had to take 6+ months off, unpaid when my LC got really bad; I don’t have sick leave or holidays; and I now work less than part time because of the constraints LC imposes on my body and brain, when I used to work full time). No one is paying for my retirement except me. No one is paying for my insurance except me. No one is paying for my sick days except me. There’s an immense pressure to try to keep working, even though I know it’s probably making things worse.

So, what happens? I didn’t realize it for the longest time, but now working with a Speech Language Pathologist and talking more to my therapist about my schedule, I’ve realized that I am stretching my mental capacities far beyond their new limits. As I become more aware of this, I can see more and more clearly what’s happening to me. It doesn’t help that I also have ADHD and that our whole world was designed to literally steal our attention 24/7 (on that note, I highly recommend this book on the topic) - sometimes it’s hard to tease out what’s due to what - but I am starting to see that when I exert myself mentally, I run the risk of the same kind of crashes I face with physical exertion.

Whereas I used to work 14-16 hour days in my old high-intensity prestige job (yes, absolutely ridiculous and no one can be productive or efficient or focus for that long even if they aren’t disabled), I now can only do 4-5. Even then it’s a huge stretch. I sometimes notice that when I’ve started working for too long, my attention fades more quickly, I can’t switch tasks easily, I literally cannot focus my eyes. I can no longer understand the words on a page or the instructions given to me orally. I start getting warm, I might start developing a headache and or brain fog. I miss errors and mistakes. I get sensitive to screens and lights and noise. I get super irritable with my bosses. I can’t keep my eyes open. I can’t form full sentences or understand the logic of an argument. I just want to lie down.

Strangely, I’m more okay (personally) with the physical limits than the mental ones. Though of course I’d love to be able to go back to my old physical abilities (dance classes multiple times a week (masked!), climbing volcanoes, swimming, yoga, etc.), there’s something truly existential and heart-wrenching about knowing your brain is totally throttled. My brain is the reason I make money, is the reason I can problem solve, is the reason I can read, is the reason I can make music, is the reason I can communicate with people, and is the reason I experience this world. My brain is a huge part of who I am. Knowing that I have to limit its abilities to survive (and that its capacities have already been limited for me by Long Covid) is absolutely devastating.

You’re telling me that I have to pump the breaks on my experiencing of this life even more (when I feel like the pandemic has already pumped them so much)?

I also have realized that I sometimes simply don’t know what to do with myself when I’ve reached my mental limits because of LC and ME/CFS. And I’ve realized that screens particularly accelerate the depletion of my mental stamina. But our whole lives are on screens. I read a kindle. I make music on the computer. I use instagram and I read Substack on my phone. I message friends on a phone. I watch shows on a television. What’s a girl to do? Sit in the dark twiddling her thumbs? (Seriously - give me ideas please.)

Of course, there are so many hobbies that don’t require screens but it takes mental exertion for me to think of them, remember they exist, and actually begin them. Maybe that will be a goal of mine for 2025 - to explore things that don’t mentally deplete me, and to be okay with boredom (very hard for this Type A, ADHD girlie.)

Even as I write this post, it’s early in the morning. I should be “fresh.” But I can already see the signs of mental fatigue, just 20 minutes in. I’m starting to develop a headache. Thinking feels “thicker” and slower. My eyes feel tired. I would be devastated to give up Substack, but is it worth me not being able to do any other mental activities the rest of the day? Always an impossible calculation.

Spoon theory is one way to make these calculations, but for me - like I mentioned earlier - calculating how taxing a mental effort will be (versus a physical one) is still a challenge. I also, I think, am just still in denial that these new limits on my mental stamina exist. I was so used to running mental marathons and I loved it (or maybe I just love it now because it’s been taken away from me…we’ll never know). It is/was a huge part of who I am as a person. It made me proud to be known as someone who is analytical, thoughtful, inquisitive, imaginative, and curious. I love to talk and write and communicate. Who will I be if I can’t any longer?

I couldn’t help but wonder…will I one day have to stop writing completely because of my Long Covid and ME/CFS? LOL.

In the meantime, I know that there are also tactics to help with the reduced mental stamina. Taking breaks. Getting away from screens. Movement. Taking naps. Eating well. Staying hydrated. Getting enough sleep. But I’m greedy and I don’t want to give up my world.

Especially as a Covid Conscious (CC) person, whose world has been drastically downsized due to the reality that hardly anyone is taking precautions anymore, I live a lot more on the internet than I ever have. I’d rather live IRL (in real life), but it’s not always possible anymore - either due to my chronic fatigue or my personal safety as I don’t want to risk catching Covid (or the flu, RSV, norovirus, or H5N1). I cherish my online interactions and friendships. They make me feel like I’m still worth being around and that I’m still sort of connected to this world, even though I spend 90% of it at home indoors.

I’m grateful for the ability to document these evolutions for myself and for others - I’m cautiously optimistic that maybe one day, science will find ways to reverse some of the damage from Long Covid - and hope that I can eventually look back on this very difficult period with a lot more grace and patience and understanding. In the meantime, I’ll probably still be frustrated, upset, angry, and disappointed that my mental stamina is so drastically different than what it once was.

I used to be able to run mental marathons. Now I can only manage a mental jog to the end of the block, if even that. It sucks. Wear a mask; save your mental stamina.

Note: All my essays are stream of consciousness, mostly because I’m too tired and brainfogged with my LC and ME/CFS, but also because it’s a nice experiment to be (mostly) unfiltered. Thanks in advance for excusing any typos, spelling mistakes, etc.